I had the opportunity to work with an equine coach and her horse named Saint. Some of the intentions I had for the session focused on leadership and trust. At one point in our session, the coach asked me to lead Saint around the corral simply by walking in front of him.

As I walk in front of Saint, I can tell he’s really close behind me, which makes me uncomfortable because I can’t see what’s happening with this large animal. I feel intimidated. I don’t know what he’s going to do and I keep looking back to see where he is in relation to me. Each time I look back, he stops even though I keep walking. So then I stop, turn forward, start walking and he follows.

Can I trust Saint not to throw or trample me?

After a few rounds of this, my coach stops us and explains to me that Saint wants to follow and keep the connection with me, but whenever I look over my shoulder to see where he is, the connection breaks. My fear and distrust are interfering with leading Saint effectively. He's following my lead, yet the stop-start dynamic is not the desired result for the exercise.

Not only did I grew up in an environment that I didn't trust, I also had childhood experiences of nearly being thrown off a horse and trampled by a cow, and this exercise was bringing all of that to the surface for me.

Eventually, my coach informs me that when a horse walks behind you that closely, it’s like they are saying I’ve got your back.

And then it clicks for me. If getting trampled is no longer a concern here, how would I show up?

With this new awareness, Saint and I do the exercise again, except this time I relax and walk forward confidently, trusting myself to do my part and trusting that he will do his.

In both instances, Saint mirrored my energy, reflecting my self-doubt the first time and my self-trust the second time.

Many of us have experienced broken trust, and it makes sense that we link trust challenges as being caused by something outside of us. Yet what I learned from my equine experience with Saint is that we are able to trust others to the extent that we are able to trust ourselves.

When I was 9 years old, I made a promise to be silent.

I grew up in a toxic, dysfunctional and abusive family and when I became the target of abuse, I kept it a secret because I was terrified that if I spoke up all hell would break loose and I’d lose my family.

After five terrifying years, I broke my silence.

When I finally told my family what was going on, everything I feared would happen, didn’t. My abuser denied everything, my family didn’t believe me and they swept it all under the rug as if nothing had happened at all.

Even though I broke the silence, I was shocked that no one really heard me and all I could do to endure the situation was to make myself invisible.

That worked for me on some levels. The abuse ended but the trauma from it all was very much alive.

This survival pattern of hiding out to stay safe really started to hinder me after starting my business in 2013 when I had to become way more visible then I was used to. At that time, I was also helping my clients find, create and share their signature stories for greater connection and visibility even though I wasn’t sharing the whole truth behind why I cared so much about supporting them with their stories.

At that time, I didn’t have a guide or a space to recognize that trauma was informing the creation and evolution of my business and I didn't know how to navigate that responsibly for myself and others.

Fumbling through that experience was my own crash course in breaking through visibility blocks. At first I relied on my coping mechanisms. I’m a recovering overachiever, and one of my go-to coping mechanisms is working really hard to make things happen.

I looked visible despite my visibility wounds. I was DOING ALL THE THINGS yet this was the first time I set goals, worked hard to achieve them and didn’t experience success. Instead, all I could see was
· Maxed out credit cards
· Dwindling back balances
· Monthly revenue rollercoaster
- Mixed results with clients
- Shrinking confidence

Carl Jung says, Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

My childhood wounds were playing out in my business and what I was learning from this experience with my business is that you can’t think, do or spend your way out of that.

You have to go within. You have to sit with your discomfort. You have to DARE to listen to your heart.

My heart kept whispering to me, Tell your story but my mind kept screaming NO! Not THAT story.

The thought of exposing this part of myself and letting go of my need to control what people think about me literally made me sick to my stomach, yet I couldn’t ignore this inner knowing that I needed to do this, even if I wasn’t 100 percent sure why.

I’ll never forget the first time I shared publicly about my abuse. I grappled with all the same fears that had kept me silent and invisible in the past.

What if I offend someone?
What if this is too disturbing?
I don’t want people to think I’m looking for sympathy.
I don’t want people to feel bad for me.
I don’t want to be a bother.

Somehow I managed to stay just curious enough to share that story with my community in an email campaign for one of my offerings.

Here’s what happened . . .

The month before I launched that campaign, I made under $100. Within three weeks of sharing my story, I signed on three new clients and made more than $7800, which was the most and fastest money I’d ever made in my business at that time.

My business changed, my personal and professional relationships changed and for the first time I actually felt powerful, magnetic and ALIVE.

To this day, I honor the past version of me by continuing to show up, speak up and make my work matter.

Amy Oscar says “Shadow is a symptom of hidden pain, defended hurt and blocked light.”

I worked hard for decades to keep myself safe, but that also made me invisible.

It wasn’t until I dared to listen to my heart that I could see how my childhood wounds were playing out in my business and my life. Today I take a powerful stand for my clients so they can make their magic visible and expand their impact. Supporting my clients at that level would have been terrifying for me if I resisted my own transformation and chose to stay safe and invisible.

We all have past experiences that create patterns we bring into new situations even though we no longer need them. When that happens, it’s totally possible to transform them into new energy and fresh results from your healed heart.